This is not the typical kind of a Thank You letter. I dedicate it to a very special person and I hope that it is okay if it reads a little odd now. If it reads just fine then maybe you know where I am coming from.
Thank you for your shed blood and torn flesh. What sacrifice can be bigger than suffering till death! Thank you for your better solutions which I never see coming. It usually hits me after everything’s over. Then I realize that my anger was foolish and my questioning was unnecessary. But still, thank you for letting me make decisions - good or bad, big or small, you walk me through it despite of my undeserving behavior. Yet, thank you for the instances when you forcefully stop me a head of time. You saved my life.
I really appreciate the way you fix this jigsaw puzzle. I would not have had it any other way even though you pushed my limits again and again. You seem to know exactly how much I can take. It is like how when Coach used to throw me into a six feet deep pool - I drown for a while, drink lots of chlorine and some pee water, but never once did he take his eyes from me till I start paddling like a pro. Your sight never left me. Your doings are aesthetically out of this world.
Then, the way you cure anything which is everything, certainly does not need to get tested. No one can sit as the judge to qualify you. As amusing as your working ethos may be, you are definitely not the musing kind; just maintaining patience till the timing is right. And then you teach knowledge, nurture it into understanding, and then store it as wisdom - a gift. Humanly speaking, you are weird. But I look to be at least a fraction like you. That itself is a lot of catching up to do.
How we get consumed by anxiety! Why do we have this need to keep in touch? We grow to like someone even if it is a mere momentary run-in-to. At the back of our heads we see some kind of hope to be connected to them, near or far. Once we get a hold of the person, it is hard to let go, even harder when we get ignored. It’s like the more we are ignored, the more insecure we become and then we try even harder to figure things out. We try to understand why or what has gone wrong. Whether if we were used or misunderstood or hated or maybe not very likable. The more we try to better something the more mistakes we feel we’re making. Such painful unnecessary worry! The one who has the power must show compassion. The empowered one should explain and be direct. Not leave someone guessing nor give unsettling lame excuses like “I’ve been busy”. If we cannot commit anymore, we should admit it than to leave someone’s life hanging in a land of drought and wicked dust.
The trust issue:
How much do you trust a stranger? Can you trust a stranger? Is this stranger a big bad wolf? Is there a possibility for friendship? Is there a possibility for relationship? How should I pursue it? Will it be too much or overtly friendly? Will I appear foolish? Will I be hurt? How will we relate to each other? Should I give this much away? Is it safe for me to share this much? Will I be appreciated? Am I understood? Is he/she sincere? Why does he/she enjoy being with me? What does he/she wants from me? What can I not say? How should I phrase my sentences? Am I losing myself? How to think straight now? Do good people still exist? Will I be kidnapped? Will I be murdered? What will my parents say? At what point does friendliness end and flirtation began? Should I give my actual name, number and address? Is he/she telling the truth? How do I test a stranger? How do I meet a stranger?
Till there is no mo ...
Like the rose and its thorns
So is love with its brevity
Brave hearts of hearts drop taps
Resonant round insidious wade
Slashes and meshes
Bleeds pieces of defiled clod
In squarish junctions the world rushes by
Imponderous being draining dry
A writer had no words that day
An unknown singer has passed away
Lacking mobility the naked artist lay
No more muses, no more... Sorrow
On a clear morning
Lilies of the valley waft
The returning sweetness
Tingles joy beside these ears
Vaporizing cure brings comfort within
Lightening the angst of distant isolation
"To see a peer praising Him, i drop my head and i see myself walking further away. Where is the fire and passion that i once had? Hearing a friend speak of a life bursting with laughter and joy, i cringe. I do need to get back. I remember that there is really, no greater joy than to give every intention, expression & energy to Him. I DO NEED TO GET BACK!"
Emptiness
Crouch
Suspended
Hollow and thick
Heavy yet empty
A space of no thing
I see but
I don’t connect
I know but of no
Effect
I’ll take a gun and shoot into my head
Till then
The end
I laugh
I don’t have a gun
My blade isn’t sharpened
Not even equipped for suicide
Cramp head in palms
And crouch
Till dawn I’ll crouch
Hide it all
Face off the sun
See not
Hear not
Feel not
Speak
But only to no thing
Who says I’m beautiful -
I’m with the wet market,
The stank of cowards,
The bitch of prostitutes,
The cow, the crow...
------A little girl dreams of getting Wed...someday! She learns to take care of her little Parakeet bird, dress up Barbie Dolls and fry Flat Cakes with Mummy. Of course those are not the only thing she does. There is more. Her blameless radiance would someday mold to be like the gaze of an Eagle. So at this young age, let her be curious to understand how her parents befriend other people and live with each other. Although so little is said of her at this point, she does see much and that does add to soul building. She talks to Parakeet when feeling low but when she is up, lucky Parakeet will get a Trick and Treat session. On a sunny day, little girl would bask by the open window with Parakeet on her index finger. She says a little “I love you” in her most honest and lovingness. Inside the eager eyes of her Parakeet, little girl sees the Prince who was once a Frog in her bedtime story. She recognizes that it is her calling to give that Magic Love Kiss, be the pride and joy of the Man she loves, the Lady of her House. So on a special day, she hank her hair into a girlish Ballerina Bun, slip into a pair of beige Mummy Shoes and let those Pale Pink Pearls hang down to her knees. She walks out to everyone else, showing off her Lacey Gown. Soon she gets a piece of her Cake with a Red Cherry on it and then she thinks of which Candy to eat next-in-order to save the best for last.
Touched-Embraced-Secured.
That sweet encounter suddenly held to a halt is haunting
She is missing a lover
suits her to be drunk.
Blindly walks into her darkroom
intending to perceive dreams, but
insignificant bubble frame petty scenes instead -
Plain thoughts about just now
......
Calling for attention: Gun shots
Awakens the night!
Flashes of bursting light pulse into her darkroom
She draws the curtain aside and search for the explosion.
There they were, Lightflower -
Blowing up red, green, purple and gold; Composing
Spike, sprinkle, and twinkle posses, outside her window.
She looks into the new call ...
This temporary happening. One step away
From old-grown worries
At least to rest her mind for a while
In peace
To let it remember whatever it wants to.
Some sorrow sore eyes and nose,
Lump in the throat grows larger.
These weak urges to tear,
Yet come not even a drip of it
She has not been able to cry.
Just as the window vanish from her notice
Like all good ending, the Final Grande
Resolves in three salvos
Bam-Bum-Boom!
......
The night sky proves itself beautiful -
Exploding reminiscence for her to overcome scars
Then there is no more.
She stands holding the curtain
Decides to leave it open for this very night.
Such post-catharsis quiet is perfect timing for a closure
Where once again -
It is death for a new beginning.
Can I or can I not
Can I stop it
Will I handle it
Will I be wrong
How am I wrong
Have I thought logically
Could I be blind
How do I make me see
Guessing God’s lines
Not allowed
No you can’t
Don’t even touch it
It is wrong
Wrong is wrong
You are not thinking
Just refusing to see
......
Maybe when God really speaks
I love you
Don’t let that destroy you
Be patient
I know your struggle
Let me help you
It is your will
There is a judgment day
Do not test me
Actually;
"Why is it that i see my mother's face & i hear my mother's voice
with every single one of those lines?"
